Things fall apart

Passion vs Reality

Just how far can I go for my passion. Just how am I going to juggle between passion and reality. Questions Questions Questions. One million burning questions and no answer in sight.

I sometimes wonder if I have lost it. As I grow older, I wonder am I falling into the common trap of sacrificing my passion for what society terms "reality". Is money really that importance? I gave up a hell lots of things for money and to be honest, sometimes I feel so dead I wonder if I am still alive. It has gotten to the point where I am thinking about how to make money 24/7. It gets so frustrating and tiring.

In that process of chasing the green, I can't help but feel that I lost a hell lot of innocence and the passion for what I truely love to do. I admire people like Kelly and some of my other friends and the sacrifice that they have made for music but I somehow just cannot let myself be let them, abandoning everything and then just banking their future on a hope, a slim hope that they can be famous and successful one day. My time under Lee Fei Hui lao shi opened up my eyes to the industry and I got a taste of how dirty the industry can get.

I feel emotionally drained after what has happened all these years and it scares the shit out of me. I am only 26 and I feel so numb. I keep fearing that by the time I get to 30, if i ever do get there alive, I might just be one of the living dead trotting around.

A friend asked me over supper last saturday if I have been hurt. I looked at her and I said yes. She told me I was extremely careful and cautious when dealing with the NIE people. I told her simply that I had reached the limit of giving. I have always gave 100 percent in whatever I do, till the past episodes of my life left me with such a bitter disappointment in human beings that I truely don't believe I can ever give any thing else 100 percent.

What she doesn't know is that I am an extremely volatile person, imbued with the capacity for strong emotions and I just cannot prevent myself from giving 100 percent. For me, its 100 or 0 percent and I know it is pretty naive but i am just like that and there is nothing I can do about it. Its either I give u 0 or 100 and to be honest, at this point in time, I am giving everything in my life a 0 percent simply because I do not think I can take any more heartbreaking disappointments at this stage of my life. In order to prevent myself from getting hurt, I have chosen to detach myself from all facets of life and not give a dime about anything.

For close to two years, I have been like that and lately, I have tried to revert back to my older ways and I realised how difficult is it for me to switch back to my old self. I tried to give a damn. I tried to care. I tried to give slightly more than the 20 percent I am giving people but it is darn hard. Everytime I want to give 100 percent to people, I just can't help but feel scared and fearful of disappointment.

I have become, like my friend said, the true hallmark of cancerian the crab. When attacked, the crab hides inside its shell. I guess its now very hard for this crab here to ever get out of his shell.