Advice from a friend

I was talking to a friend from NIE the other day on the train back home. He is Omar, a Chinese Muslim who has been married for quite some time. At 40 years old, I reckon he has got some sound advice for a novice like me. What he said set me thinking yet again.

Omar: You know, what will be yours will be yours. If something is not yours, no matter how much you struggle, it will never be yours.

I would love to agree with him but I am unsure. Somehow, in my heart, I do not know whether I can fully place my trust in fate. I mean, does FATE even exist?

A bag of nerves

I am a bag of nerves. Project Superstar audition is on Sunday and I am stressed out. This is just gonna be the second audition in my entire life and I am feeling the stress.

I walked away from singing once but I did in in a moment of impulse. Now that I am in NIE, i think back about my singing days and I regret how I had thrown away my dream with my own hands.

Now I yearn to recapture my past glory and hopefully scale greater heights. May the lord be with me and help me through this ordeal. In you I trust.

Goodbye Singapore

I have always considered myself a patriot. After having spent 26 years in living here, I love this country. It is most dear to my heart and I recall telling myself when I was young that one day when I grow up, I must become someone useful to the nation and contribute in some way to make my country prosper so that Singaporeans can be safe and sound and will always be able to enjoy life because they just work so hard and deserve to partake in the country's success.

However, as I grow older, I sooner realise how utopian my ambitions sound. Years after I made that patriotic promise to myself, I now realise how idealistic I was, to the point of absurdity. But before you call me a traitor, allow me to justify myself.

I was at NIE this morning, attending a lecture on Literature and Teaching Methodologies and it just dawned upon me how everything here is just so stifled and strictly controlled.

Tutor: We do not want to introduce such books into our syllabus because they are too controversial.

Somehow, that got my goat. For me, literature is more than just a book or novel that you take up in your spare time for enjoyment. It is more than your Dan Brown or Stephen King thriller. Literature is a way of questioning society's values and whether established values do have any merit. By questioning through literature, society can then see its mistakes, make necessary adjustments and then move forward towards a better and more improved society with a new set of values and beliefs.

The only way a piece of literature can propel a society forward is through questioning and controversy so that it can set the readers thinking. It is only through the spirit of rebellion found in great literary works that a society can mirror itself and see if its values really are beneficial to the whole society. it is this spirit of rebellion that keeps forth liberal humanism and promotes human rights and democracy so that any tyrant who seeks to control the minds of society will soon find himself overthrown by the rebellious spirit found in literary works.

Hence, when the tutor made that statement, it stabbed me somewhere in my heart. For by killing off books that court controversy, can our society move forward? By killing off controversy, aren't we killing off the very essence of life itself, for is not life shrouded by controversy? Can one's life ever be a straight line, devoid of emotional rollercoaster rides? If the government becomes tyrannic and oppressive, is not Literature a way to question the government's tyranny ( which is in itself very much controversial), in hope that the spirit of revolution can garner wider public support for an overthrow of the tyrannic government? Killing off controversy not only shelters the students from the harsh realities of life where they have to take a stand towards how they feel towards complicated life questions and issues but also promotes dictatorship and tyranny that suppresses their democratic right to speech and life.

I met up with another friend of mine who just returned from the States today and he was clearly upset too with the environment here. Everything is about about money. People study here so that they can just get a job which they simply have no passion about. It is a disgraceful contrast to other countries where people really study because they love the subject and have the passion for it. That kind of passion keeps them learning even when they have graduated because it is what they love to read about. In contrast, our students here do not learn. Rather, they study simply because of the threat of not getting a lucrative job. With that kind of mentality imbued in them, it is no wonder our students really detest learning and for them, reading simply ends the moment they graduated. Its so sad when my friend and I talk about how we love teaching but how the environment and the cultural soci-economic factors have hindered this passion for learning even after we have gotten our paper degrees. We were discussing about satisfying our desire for learning more, something which, sadly, most Singaporeans do not have.

The culture and the whole environmental setup is just so sterile here. Everything is about money, money and more money. It has gotten to the point of marriage being pegged to who have more money in their bank so that they can "support" their family. In the West, the girl marries the guy because of passion. Here, majority would have to check their mate's bankbook before deciding if he is eligible to take the plunge. If you possess passion, you are deemed impulsive and perhaps "immature" simply cos you cannot "control you feelings". But I SAY HECK IT. LET your passion and feelings roll because that is part and parcel of living. It has gotten to the point where my passion and feeling have to be suppressed here because of the sterility in our society. I have to check my words because it may not be in line with the rest. I have to check my enormous passion and emotions because they are a hindrance to the rest of the society and deemed "childish". I have to not tell the truth because the truth hurts. You know what. The truth hurts but it sure as hell makes you a better person than if you had never been hurt by it and live in your own fantasy make-believe world all your life. It has gotten to the point where I do not even dare to dispute my tutor's stance on controversial books and have to repress my views because I might be deemed childish or immature for having such spitfire thoughts.

Singapore is my country and I WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH IN MY OWN COUNTRY!

But it has gotten to the point where this sterility and suppression has driven me to look elsewhere. The last time I saw the real Chia Wee Khoon was in Melbourne where I can sashay down Swanston Street in a smiley mood ( yes, smiling at strangers in Australia is very much recommended and people won't think of you as strange!) and let my freedom of expression run wild with exuberance. The real Chia Wee Khoon appeared in Melbourne and he was suppressed the moment he landed back in Singapore.

Goodbye Singapore. You have had your chances. Its time for the real William to show himself once again. The true William that believes in freedom, passion, love and above all else, the right to be who you truely are.


"If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." - George Orwell, Preface to Animal Farm (1946)

Drained

Which is worse? One who never finds his loved one or one who has found her but will never be with her and has to suffer the pain of seeing her with another person?

I cannot help but think of life as being tragic. How many of really do have the luck to marry their true love? Not that I am being pessimisstic for no reason but the truth is I have spoken to all my married friends and not one of them has ever admitted that the one they married is the one they truely love. But then again, what constitutes true love. In this world of ever changing definitions, can the concept of love ever be constant or better still, can one ever define love, a feeling that time and time again defies definition and categorization.

Finding true love may just be a fantastical concept for all you know. Perhaps in this world, there really isn't such a thing as love. Perhaps society had made up this "true love" concept just to propel human being to procreate, using it as a legal basis for sex.

What is love? Where is it? How do you know if it is meant to be? What if you love her but she is already attached? Do you then break her up or suffer in silence? Up to today, despite being in a few heart stoppping and aching relationships, I still have no clue.

Lightning strikes thrice.

I got stung again. Despite all the warning signs and prior knowledge, there is no escaping the fate. The sting of the scorpion was so fast and furious it hit me like a hurricane, sweeping me instanting into the whirlwind.

All I can say is....beware the scorpion sting. The poison is potent.

Project Superstar 2006

I thought I was insane when I signed up for the competition. The devil made me do it.

But well, its worth a try. Practice starts now.

NIE

I cannot believe how slack NIE can be. As much as many friends have been feeding me information and gossips about how tough NIE can be, I actually found it to be a breeze. Alright, it isn't as easy as it seems but it surely is not as tough as many had made it out to be. I mean, compared to NUS, NIE is really heavenly. Its got breathtaking scenery, splendid canteen and a fabulously crafted environment that is absolutely conducive to learning.

Whats more. I am not bragging or what but I actually get paid to study. I mean, what kind of job pays you to go to school and study. Coupled with that is the extremely flexible hours that I have now. I go to school sometimes at 830 plus and then reach home at around 1230 where I can have ample rest to recharge and ponder over life and its mysteries. Life has been simply fantastic these few months.

Lately, I think perhaps the excess free time I have on my hands have led me to consider the prospect of migrating to Australia once again. I thought I had already banished that thought a long time ago since I entered NIE. Yet yesterday during the EL lecture, I found my mind inevitably gravitating towards that thought once again. I really love my job at MOE but I thought about the prospects of applying to teach in Australia once my contract with MOE is up and I must admit the lure of Australia and Melbourne might just be too good to resist. I can just live out the rest of my life in boring old Singapore and MOE but I think I really need to have challenges in my life. These challenges keep me going and makes me feel I really have some kind of purpose in my life.

Another weird thought that crossed my mind yesterday was a switch from literature to medical science. It is strange cos I know deep in my heart, I love literature like no other. Yet, as I grow older, I seem to have developed a fascination for the human anatomy and I have this desire to unlock its secrets. I even asked some of my doc friends who actually told me I do not require A levels biology to study medicine in Australia, which thus led me to fantasize that I could one day become an expert criminologist like those in CSI. Gee, I must have watched too many episodes of CSI.

In any case, these are just my random thoughts at this point.

Its the end.

I have decided. That it must end. Not because I want to but because I need to. I tried my best to make it work but I guess in the matters of the heart, it is hard to try because things are just meant to be.

The end must come only because it is for the good of both of us. I wish you all the best in your endeavors and hope we can still remain as friends.