Tarot card

Its not that I am superstitious or what but the tarot card reader was eeriely accurate and spot on.

Suddenly, everything just became crystal clear to me. What I had to do. What I must do.

I cannot believe it but that tarot card reading did me a hell lot of good. And I think it cleared my mind for a while.It is not that I trust the readings of the tarot card but amazingly, it sure does hold some bit of truth. And I think that I should really make use of the information and change my destiny.

Eerie.

I surrender

The war has been going on for far too long. So long that I cannot remember when the war started. It has been 2 years since I dug in and fought hard, hoping to achieve victory. I fought fate. I took everything that it could throw at me. I suffered multiple fractures and injuries. Wounded countless times. So many times, I fell badly. Yet, I held on, to a slim hope that one day, I will get the victory.

It has been too long. I have been on the front for so long that it just feels so numb. And that awakening suddenly came to me, that I cannot defeat fate. I must have been crazy, going against an enemy that has almost a 100 percent track record. I must have been crazy.

Therefore, as I sit there wounded, I decided that I must withdraw. I surrender. yes. Fate. i have lost to u. You are the winner. There is no way I can ever defeat you. I place my life in your hands. Take my life. Do whatever you want with it. It is yours.

I am utterly defeated.

Winter in Summer

somebody told me it is now summer in melbourne.

boy...that person couldn't be more wrong. For the westerners, summer means anything more than 10 degrees. Well, how abt 12 degrees? In my first night in Melbourne, I spent the night with the guys at Noby's house. I slept, woke up in the morning and almost froze to death.

Its insane. This is supposed to be summer and everyones wearing jackets in the streets cos its so darn cold. Luckily, those bunch of guys had a bbq for me last night. i guessed maybe the hunger added to my cold.

brrrrr....its 4 am sg time and 7 am melb time. i am almost frozen to death and my buddies aint even awake from their comatose state. so cold my brain cannot think straight.

To be continued.....

Insane

My friend thought I had gone mad.

I was drinking coffee with them in school and then suddenly, the idea just struck me. That I had no lessons till next friday. And then I decided I had enough of Singapore and its dull environment. So i made the decision on the spot to book the ticket to melbourne.

Mad.
Insane.
Rash.

Whatever it is, I am damn happy. To be honest, I haven't been happy for a long time. And the last time I was so happy was when I was in Melbourne with Noby and Desmond. I realised how important that sense of freedom is to me. I realised how much I wanted to be independent and not be told to do things by some one else all the time.
Now, every single minute of the day, I keep thinking of the impending trip and the thought of seeing Melbourne again just lights up my day. I am so smitten with that city that to be honest, I feel extremely tempted not to board the return flight next thursday. Had it not been that I have to go for a stupid test at NIE on friday, I probably would have stayed there till December.

Melbourne.....Melbourne....

Things fall apart

Passion vs Reality

Just how far can I go for my passion. Just how am I going to juggle between passion and reality. Questions Questions Questions. One million burning questions and no answer in sight.

I sometimes wonder if I have lost it. As I grow older, I wonder am I falling into the common trap of sacrificing my passion for what society terms "reality". Is money really that importance? I gave up a hell lots of things for money and to be honest, sometimes I feel so dead I wonder if I am still alive. It has gotten to the point where I am thinking about how to make money 24/7. It gets so frustrating and tiring.

In that process of chasing the green, I can't help but feel that I lost a hell lot of innocence and the passion for what I truely love to do. I admire people like Kelly and some of my other friends and the sacrifice that they have made for music but I somehow just cannot let myself be let them, abandoning everything and then just banking their future on a hope, a slim hope that they can be famous and successful one day. My time under Lee Fei Hui lao shi opened up my eyes to the industry and I got a taste of how dirty the industry can get.

I feel emotionally drained after what has happened all these years and it scares the shit out of me. I am only 26 and I feel so numb. I keep fearing that by the time I get to 30, if i ever do get there alive, I might just be one of the living dead trotting around.

A friend asked me over supper last saturday if I have been hurt. I looked at her and I said yes. She told me I was extremely careful and cautious when dealing with the NIE people. I told her simply that I had reached the limit of giving. I have always gave 100 percent in whatever I do, till the past episodes of my life left me with such a bitter disappointment in human beings that I truely don't believe I can ever give any thing else 100 percent.

What she doesn't know is that I am an extremely volatile person, imbued with the capacity for strong emotions and I just cannot prevent myself from giving 100 percent. For me, its 100 or 0 percent and I know it is pretty naive but i am just like that and there is nothing I can do about it. Its either I give u 0 or 100 and to be honest, at this point in time, I am giving everything in my life a 0 percent simply because I do not think I can take any more heartbreaking disappointments at this stage of my life. In order to prevent myself from getting hurt, I have chosen to detach myself from all facets of life and not give a dime about anything.

For close to two years, I have been like that and lately, I have tried to revert back to my older ways and I realised how difficult is it for me to switch back to my old self. I tried to give a damn. I tried to care. I tried to give slightly more than the 20 percent I am giving people but it is darn hard. Everytime I want to give 100 percent to people, I just can't help but feel scared and fearful of disappointment.

I have become, like my friend said, the true hallmark of cancerian the crab. When attacked, the crab hides inside its shell. I guess its now very hard for this crab here to ever get out of his shell.

Fate

Sometimes, I do not know if there is really this strange thing called fate. Sometimes I believe in it and sometimes I don't.

I always wanted to do History in NUS and NIE but by some luck or should I say Fate, I was forced to do Literature by MOE which left a bittertaste in my mouth. Not to say that I do not like Literature. I love it but I just love History better. However, seeing how my fellow coursemates are now being tortured by their BDSM sadistic lecturer, I sometimes wonder if God or fate or whoever it is had decided long ago that I was to escape this and take the easy route out in NIE.

It was also in Australia that I really changed the way I look at things and live my life. I was so close to not going to Australia. I just hopped on the plane on impulse and God knows why I decided to go there but I somehow did and it really altered my life so dramatically in all ways one can imagine. I believe I lost my innocence somewhere in Melbourne near Swanston street where I first met Noby. Noby became my best friend and my worst friend in the way he helped me to change my worldview.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if my ex-girlfriend and me were still together. Probably I would have been struggling to feed her appetite for good food and I would never have made it to Australia if I was still with her.

I can't help but feel that all these things are so fated that it is so scary. I sometimes lie in bed at night in the dark and wonder if my life is like a book and the story has already been written. If this really is the case,please GOD, do not make me live my life in vain. I have lived 26 years of my life drifting about and I just don't where to go.

I once met a man who know how to read the lines on one's face and he told me I am going to grow up to be someone great one day. Those words have remained etched in my memory ever since that day and as I grow older, I begin to ponder over the validity of what he has said becos i just seem to be going the other way in life, on the fasttrack to annilation and doing everything opposite to what he has said. Fate? Somebody tell me.....

Get the hell out.

I hate this thing called flu.

I sometimes wish to mutilate myself to kill this flu bug in me. To show it who the hell is the rightful owner of my body.

Get the fuck out of my body, you mother fucking piece of shit which destroyed people's lives. You maggotish faggotish piece of coward that hides behind my body and then attacks my immune system. Get the fuck out before I put a gun barrel all the way through my throat and then fire at your sorry ass.

Conversations

Noby: Will, I feel sick and frustrated of my marriage. It stinks to the core.

Will: Chill, man. You know now that you are in the marriage, you should try to make things work.

Noby: But I don't love her. I am sticking with her all because of the kid. I love my kid.

Will: Well, sometimes, in life. You cannot have it all. It is part of fate and destiny that you married her and had that kid. You cannot defy fate.

Noby: Fuck fate.

Will: So who do you really love in this world if its not your wife?

Noby: It was my 2nd girlfriend who totally broke my heart. It was incredible and we did not even have fantastic sex.

Will: I see.

Afar

People hide.
They have so much secrets that they are scared to come clean.
So people choose something as a disguise behind which they hide their true intentions.
They hide behind that Zara shirt they wear.
They hide behind their msn nick.
They play hide and seek with people that mean well cos they are scared that the niceties might break them down and expose their vulnerable side.

In a world where everything seems so wired and connected, everything just seems so far apart.

The job

I got it.

The job.

That takes me past 4k per month. Possibly 5k.

Finally, the end of my financial woes.

I probably have to slog it out.

Work like a slave.

4 years.

But I will have my own house and car.

Thank god for this job.